ASS BATS
Does anyone know how to get into direct contact with Terry Ryan? I need to talk to him right away about the Twins offense. Apparently, the bat companies have stopped sending Twins players regular bats and started sending them ass bats. From what I have gathered someone deep insided Jerry Reinsdorf’s Turkish bath house is directly connected to the selling of ass bats to Twins players. The only player not to recieve ass bats was Torri Hunter who in previous years had used them in quite frequency. Its time to save the offense and the season, and well I have some other suggestions for the Twins players themselves.
Justin Morneau- Start hitting a little bit more like a MVP. You haven’t been bad, but not great either. Average does not cut it around here buddy!
Torri Hunter- Will the Twins stop being so cheap and sign this guy. Image the offense without him, or 2008. That might be enough to make me a Cubs fan.
Michael Cuddyer- Please don’t fall on your back again. Not only was it just plain silly, now you can’t hit.
Nick Punto- Words can’t describe how much I hate watching you play. Your hitting .215, which I still think is a generous .215. Please will you stop hitting the ball in the air. Albert Pujols you are not; a punching judy hitter you are. HIT THE BALL ON THE FRIGGIN GROUND!!!!!!!!
Jason Bartlett- Man did you suck at the beginning of the year. Your playing better, but you still suck. You make me long for the days of Juan Castro, at least he could field. (At this moment in time anyone wearing a Jason Bartlett jersey to a bar will be stabbed in the jaw, Punto jersey wearers let me just say it involves power tools, soap, Demetrius Underwood, and a jail.)
Jason Kubel- GO HOME YOUR HORRIBLE. You make me pray for the days of Rondell White.
Joe Mauer-Your good but could you stop getting hurt. I have a question, can Joe hit from a wheelchair because it would be better than any of our DH candidates right now?
Luis Castillo- Only 4 RBI’s this season. One word WOW!
Mike Redmond- Its bad when you pray that Mike Redmond come up with runners on, which is not very often. Maybe you need to come up with another one of those cute things that the whole team does when they score a run.
Jason Tyner- Can we get another Jason that sucks in this lineup?
Jeff Cirillo- Your old and washed up, a perfect fit for Terry Ryan and crew.
Lew Ford- The Messiah has risen.
Starting Pitching- Beside needing to free Kevin Slowey and ditch Sidney Ponson, the starting pitching has been good. Johan is no longer Jesus, but he is still good.
Bullpen-Not impressed by the bullpen at all this year. Reyes can’t throw strikes, which really sucks when you usually throw less than an inning every time out. Crain and Rincon have been the main reason why my dog’s ribs hurt, because every time you are on the mound I end up going Jackie Chan on the dog.
Maybe it is time for Terry Ryan to go shopping at the washed up player emporium. Rumors are these are the CHEAP candidates to shore up the offense.
Tony Bautista- He still hasn’t found a job. Wouldn’t it be fun watching him shuffle around the field again.
Todd Walker- I heard he was released in spring training. Perfect fit, a once good player who was released because he could no longer play.
Scott Stahoviak- Hasn’t played in forever, but he will be cheap.
Butch Huskey- Word is he has recovered from the collision into the wall at the Dome and he is ready to suck again.
Matt Lawton- He is available, the bad thing is, he quit using steroids.
Brian Buchanon- Japan will gladly give away the negotiation rights to the Twins. The Twins could probably buy the rights for contract negotiations for $1. He was a force in the vaunted Northern League last season.
Mathew LeCroy- The team needs your .218 average and one homerun in Triple AAA now!!
Carl Everett- How great would it be to have an ass clown like this on the team? Imagine this Twins fans, Carl Everett Dinosaur Night. How fun would that be?
Honorable Mention: Rich Becker, Dustin Mohr, and David McCarty
For more on assbats check out Batgirl’s post today, she’s so witty!
http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/001877.php
Filed under: Twins
Here is Terry Ryan’s contact info as listed on mlb site:
twins@twinsbaseball.com
Subject: TERRY RYAN
I think you should email him or write him a letter and see if he responds. If he responds you should post in on the blog. Maybe email the mascot TC, his real email address is listed.
tc@twinsbaseball.com
Harsh, dude.
Have you ever gone through a slump playing sports? Are you on your game 100% of the time? If you are, then by all means cast the first stone, my friend.
Roll with the punches… it’s May. Don’t get your panties in a bunch quite yet!
PS. You’re = you are
I enjoy how nearly every washed up player you mentioned has at one point played for the Twins…and we see how well they worked out, didn’t we?
Also, your reasoning for hating some of these players is truly well-founded. Nick Punto is one of the most acrobatically inclined 3rd basemen in the game. Tyner, while not meant to be an everyday outfielder, is incredibly fast and great at the brand of small ball the Twins prescribe to. Last I check, Cirillo was doing exactly what we asked him to do.
Also, I do wonder how many RBI’s you expect the leadoff hitter to have compared to the rest of the lineup. How many runs has he scored? What’s his on-base percentage? Do you realize the amount of infield hits he has is inhuman?
The Twins are currently a team with almost all of the right pieces currently not working like they’re supposed to. They clearly have the ability to work in an efficient and amazing fashion (see: last year).
In conclusion: Accusations work much better when supported with such things as reasoning, truth, and logic.