I Hate the Bitch Sox!

Hate is always been a strong word. I remember my parents telling me to never hate anyone, but unfortunately I did not listen to this advice. There are reasons to hate; Al Queda hates the United States, the Jews not really caring for Hitler, and my neutered dog’s hatred for dogs that still have their jewels intact. Well I also hate, I hate Hawk Harrelson and the White Sox. I live in Chicago, and I am a big Twins fan. I have had to suffer through that ass clown known as Hawk Harrelson enough. Today was a breaking point. The Twins had beaten the Bitch Sox in the first two games at the dome; beating these classless hacks like circus monkeys. Well my man or my man in drag, Hawk Harrelson, had to continue throughout the broadcast blaming the series on the umpires. This was not one of Hawk’s patented smarmy remarks, this was repeatedly uttered every friggin inning. My wish this Christmas will be that Hawk will quit whinning like a little bitch and just announce some baseball games. No wonder the Twins great Kent Hrbek this spring told PA and Dubay to, “kick Hawk in the ass” when they see him.
TAKE THAT HAWK, YOUR PROBABLY THE REASON MOST TWINS FANS HATE THE BITCH SOX, hence the name. Now, I feel a lot better.

Twins Notes:

Kevin Slowey has been officially freed from Rochester. At this point in time he will be in Minnesota, but lets consider Slowey out of Rochester on parole.

Justin Morneau treated the White Sox pitching like a rabid dog pouncing on a toothless cat. I just made that up so shut up.

After some serious help, I am starting to not hate Nick Punto’s play as much.

Keep the comments coming. I enjoy reading them, and for the poster telling me not to get my panties in a bunch, I will try because I only wear panties on Fridays. TC, I enjoy you as a mascot, but your a friggin bear. Go Twins, and die ass bats.

What Would Terry Ryan Do

Its just the Retro encabulator

I like to think that I’m somewhat tech savvy but this video by Rockwell automation just reminds me of my days in my space aeronautics classes…hehe.  That crazy professor and his jargon, gosh darn it I can’t figure out what the hell he’s talking about.  Is this in the book?  What fricken page is he reading from, or is he just so familar with this shit that he says it in front of his mirror everynight before bed?  Did he just say side fumbling and dingle arm?  Those witty scientists and their dinglearms.  “What should we call this, how ’bout a dinglearm?”

Rambo 4 release…coming sometime in January

When I was 8 I loved this Rambo, aka John J. Rambo. John had a thirst for blood…”when you’re pushed, killing is as easy as breathing.” What more could a little 8 year old ask for? I mean this guy was BA. Oh I remeber those days when I had the GI Joe pajamas and I use to pretend I was an army man. The only pajamas that could beat those GI Joe ones were my Superman pj’s. I mean superman pj’s with a detachable cape is every kids wet dream.

Anyways, back to RAMBO! I could really shoot up the neighborhood back then, believe me. My mom can vouch for this. Though I think my little brother was better at it, he learned from a long generation of true 8 year old killers. The two brothers before him passed down the knowledge, so finely tuned it was almost written in stone by moses himself. “AND ON THIS DAY YOU SHALL HAVE A RED BANDANA AROUND YOUR HEAD AND ASK WHY WON’T ARE COUNTRY LOVE US BACK.” Moses was kind of a prick back then and is still kind of a tight wad with the laws.

Well without further delay, here’s the beast from within…John J. Rambo. I want you to know Rambo, I’m rooting for you. You might want to fast forward to 2 minutes, its prett lame with dialogue which an 8 year old doesn’t really understand. Check out the youtube comments maybe, I found them funny.  I never caught this the first time but is that George Steinbrenner at about 1:28, I think it is?

Taste of October…all class…sometimes no balls

After much consultation from our lawyers, the dali lama, the pope, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and the staff at PFO; we’ve decided to take down Allison Stokkes –Athlete of the week post. Though she still will go down in PFO infamy as the very first athlete of the week.

As I was picturing her scaling those suspended poles I started to sweat profusely through my eyes, like whenever I’m eating hot food, and started getting these worried thoughts in my head. What kind of an email am I going to get from from big papi Stokkes? I bet he’d literally “shoot” me an email. I don’t know about you, but I have this thing against death…its not me. If you would like to view the high school player of the week post, I have it in its entirety so drop me a line and I’ll send it to you in rich text format. So to replace her photo, I’m going to leave you with a photo of our friends at Heroes…Hayden-panettiere and Hiro Nakamura. Wait I lied.  Hiro I’m sorry but these photos of Hayden have to go up. I’ll make it up to you, I’ll link to your blog on here: Hiro Nakamura’s blog
JK…here is his real one, Sike

Hayden’s going to be PFO’s new athlete of the week…I know she really doesn’t have anything to do with sports, but she’s a cheerleader who doesn’t die…very NICE! What she might’ve played badminton in high school or maybe utlimate frisbee? I can’t believe I’m going agains the grain a bit here, I told myself to take down the 18 year old post and now I’m posting a 17 year old pic…hmmm? Well enjoy regardless. Some wise ass that I know thought it would be best if I posted a link to a countdown for Hayden. Oh Hayden!

PS…twins are back to their old tricks again, I’m starting to think Milwaukee was a fluke??? I’m getting ready to puke up my supper watching this.

My Precious…its MINE!

I found this over lunch…I don’t think I caught this when they aired it awhile back. That crazy Gollum, he reminds me of my moms yorkie terrier! Hopefully the vid still works, Viacomm keeps taking this down off of youtube’s site…the recording industry is LAME!

On another note, I’d like to link to a loyal Twins fan whose trip went haywire in the south side of Chicago: One-reason-i-hate-white-sox

Piranha lure test 1

Well as you all know, or if you don’t know, it was fishing opener here in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. I was just itching to get out and use my newly acquired Limited Edition Little Piranhas fishing lure.

So I’m having problems with the first couple of casts and decide to pullout the secret weapon. I think to myself, I gotta catch something with this thing. I mean this thing should just nibble away at the fish until they can’t stand it anymore, before you know they won’t have no more meat!

I can’t miss, the fish are going to be jumping at the bit at this thing. So I gave it a good 45 minutes of casting and not a damn thing. Not even a damn nibble. I did pop the lure up out of the water a couple of times, kind of like our LNP. I was hoping for maybe even a fake bunt or maybe an infield hit, NOTHING! Do these lures only work in June|July|August?

I think to myself, this damn lure is cursed or something. I need someone/somebody to take the curse off of my lure. Maybe a sacrificial live rooster will do the trick. Actually I’m impressed I didn’t lose the thing on the first cast. Hopefully are little pirhanas can turn things around, god knows I’m getting sick of our left side of the infield.

Well for people who didn’t get a lure, I’m going to post the info posted on the inside of the box. I think I’ll give my lure a couple more months, I’ll post back if I catch something.

Piranhas: [Pi-ra-nhas]

1. Tropical freshwater fish that are voraciously carnivorous and often attack and destroy their predators.

2. Minnesota Twins players who nibble their opponents into defeat with key hits, runs and steals.

White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen called Twins players that included Nick Punto, Jason Bartlett, Luis Castillo and Jason Tyner the “little piranhas” after the fish that are known to eat their prey alive. “I’d rather have a three-run homer beat me than those ‘little piranhas’ bite you little by little and then you’re dead,” said Guillen during the 2006 season.

The scrappy play of the “piranhas” frustrated many teams with the relentless ability to get key base hits, drive-in runs and take advantage of other teams’ mistakes when it counted the most. The persistent gnawing away at opponents earned the respect of many in the league and helped propel the Twins to the 2006 American League Central Division title. The ferocious “little piranhas” are ready to chew on more hapless victims in 2007.

ASS BATS

Does anyone know how to get into direct contact with Terry Ryan? I need to talk to him right away about the Twins offense. Apparently, the bat companies have stopped sending Twins players regular bats and started sending them ass bats. From what I have gathered someone deep insided Jerry Reinsdorf’s Turkish bath house is directly connected to the selling of ass bats to Twins players. The only player not to recieve ass bats was Torri Hunter who in previous years had used them in quite frequency. Its time to save the offense and the season, and well I have some other suggestions for the Twins players themselves.

Justin Morneau- Start hitting a little bit more like a MVP. You haven’t been bad, but not great either. Average does not cut it around here buddy!

Torri Hunter- Will the Twins stop being so cheap and sign this guy. Image the offense without him, or 2008. That might be enough to make me a Cubs fan.

Michael Cuddyer- Please don’t fall on your back again. Not only was it just plain silly, now you can’t hit.

Nick Punto- Words can’t describe how much I hate watching you play. Your hitting .215, which I still think is a generous .215. Please will you stop hitting the ball in the air. Albert Pujols you are not; a punching judy hitter you are. HIT THE BALL ON THE FRIGGIN GROUND!!!!!!!!

Jason Bartlett- Man did you suck at the beginning of the year. Your playing better, but you still suck. You make me long for the days of Juan Castro, at least he could field. (At this moment in time anyone wearing a Jason Bartlett jersey to a bar will be stabbed in the jaw, Punto jersey wearers let me just say it involves power tools, soap, Demetrius Underwood, and a jail.)

Jason Kubel- GO HOME YOUR HORRIBLE. You make me pray for the days of Rondell White.

Joe Mauer-Your good but could you stop getting hurt. I have a question, can Joe hit from a wheelchair because it would be better than any of our DH candidates right now?

Luis Castillo- Only 4 RBI’s this season. One word WOW!

Mike Redmond- Its bad when you pray that Mike Redmond come up with runners on, which is not very often. Maybe you need to come up with another one of those cute things that the whole team does when they score a run.

Jason Tyner- Can we get another Jason that sucks in this lineup?

Jeff Cirillo- Your old and washed up, a perfect fit for Terry Ryan and crew.

Lew Ford- The Messiah has risen.

Starting Pitching- Beside needing to free Kevin Slowey and ditch Sidney Ponson, the starting pitching has been good. Johan is no longer Jesus, but he is still good.

Bullpen-Not impressed by the bullpen at all this year. Reyes can’t throw strikes, which really sucks when you usually throw less than an inning every time out. Crain and Rincon have been the main reason why my dog’s ribs hurt, because every time you are on the mound I end up going Jackie Chan on the dog.

Maybe it is time for Terry Ryan to go shopping at the washed up player emporium. Rumors are these are the CHEAP candidates to shore up the offense.

Tony Bautista- He still hasn’t found a job. Wouldn’t it be fun watching him shuffle around the field again.

Todd Walker- I heard he was released in spring training. Perfect fit, a once good player who was released because he could no longer play.

Scott Stahoviak- Hasn’t played in forever, but he will be cheap.

Butch Huskey- Word is he has recovered from the collision into the wall at the Dome and he is ready to suck again.

Matt Lawton- He is available, the bad thing is, he quit using steroids.

Brian Buchanon- Japan will gladly give away the negotiation rights to the Twins. The Twins could probably buy the rights for contract negotiations for $1. He was a force in the vaunted Northern League last season.

Mathew LeCroy- The team needs your .218 average and one homerun in Triple AAA now!!

Carl Everett- How great would it be to have an ass clown like this on the team? Imagine this Twins fans, Carl Everett Dinosaur Night. How fun would that be?

Honorable Mention: Rich Becker, Dustin Mohr, and David McCarty

For more on assbats check out Batgirl’s post today, she’s so witty!

http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/001877.php

FREE KEVIN SLOWEY

The Sidney Ponson experiment must end. Does the man even throw out of the wind-up, or due to his previous history has Bud Selig made Ponson start with runners on every inning? Its time to FREE KEVIN SLOWEY. I hope Terry Ryan and company are not worrying that this will be Ponsons last shot. Kansas City will surely pick him up, and he can hand it to, in the words of Brad Childress, “our kick ass offense.”

An ode to the Duluth seagull…

Mine?

Hmm…that’s an interesting fantasy name

This was posted on dead spins website and I got a good chuckle out of it, check it out:

http://deadspin.com/sports/espn/espn-is-watching-you-and-your-filthy-mouth-255136.php 

I tried this with my Jeep Cherokee once, it didn’t end up as lucky as this guy.